Heavy Load

My friend Kara wrote a blog post today that speaks volumes to me. I feel like she got inside my head and wrote down what was plodding around on my heart and in my mind.

Lately…more like months and months and months…I’ve been feeling like I need to just “RAWRRRR!!!” I feel like I’ve lost my way and the spunk. My exhaustion is so much that I feel most of the time that if one more thing was to happen outside of our tight schedule I might just crumble into a million pieces on the floor. And then my lovely husband would have to come along and sweep me up and keep all of my pieces together. Thank you, Love, for already doing this multiple times.

So, so, so many stresses have popped up since late last Fall and my already exhausted mind and body have not dealt with them very well. The other day, my youngest (who happens to drool like she’s a faucet) was put in the car to go to daycare without a bib. I “rawr’d” and made her jump. What the heck?! It’s a silly bib. I have nearly lost the ability to keep my focus on what’s important here. Where is that fun, funny, silly, happy woman that I used to know? I’ll tell you: she’s hiding away from anything that might cause her to flip out. She’s hiding from the stresses of leaving a day care due to unsafe practices, moving (and all the lovely surprises and set-backs that go along with owning a home), having the new day care close due to illegal goings-on in the facility, searching with little luck for a new day care, and quickly oh so quickly having my personal time from work slipping away. All of this as our months until our new addition to the family arrives are rushing by.

We’ve chosen this life. I’ve chosen this life. And as Kara says in her post, it’s not easy. There is a lot of waiting for the pay off, and focusing on that is proving to be difficult. I love her personal suggestions for how she’ll get back to herself. I’m going to follow her suggestions: Communication (reach out to those that help you feel happiness and love. Don’t keep “it” all in and not talk to close friends and family); Quiet Time (take some much-needed alone time, pray, meditate, take care of myself); Manage Expectations (so we are surviving, not thriving yet. So accept it and understand it, and try not to beat myself up over not being that “perfect” everything all the time); Foster Joy (seek out the joy in life and allow the beauty of my life to sink in).

So, my heavy load might not really be that heavy for some people, but it sure feels like it. It’s felt like it for some time. My story is not unique with the pressures of adulthood, or even parenthood. But they are mine, and I must choose how this heavy load affects me.