Runing on Fumes

It has been 1,089 days since I've slept through the night. That's 24,136 hours, folks. I love my sleep. L.O.V.E it. I used to thrive on nine hours of sleep each night. If I got even just seven hours of sleep, I was dragging by the end of the day. That was a necessity then, but it's a luxury now. Sleep, oh glorious sleep! It's hiding around the corner, but I just can seem to catch it.

After getting roughly 8 hours of sleep in the last 48 hours, I found myself in tears this morning. There are phases of sleep deprivation and the emotions that come out of it.

According to Yours Truly:
Step 1: Annoyance. A few minutes here and there of interrupted sleep are annoying for anyone. Little breaths from a sleeping baby nearby can sound deafening in the dead of night...unless you're my husband. He's deaf to everything at night.

Step 2: Frustration. So, the few minutes here and there have turned in to an hour or so in the middle of the night. From nursing the new baby, to putting a toddler back to bed, that 5 hours that have become normal dwindle to 3.5. 

Step 3: Bewilderment. After months now of little sleep, you'd think I'd be so exhausted that nothing would keep me awake. Nope. I still hear every intake of breath from the wee one, and now her older sister has begun to insist on staying up well past 9:00. (That might not seem late to some, but for someone that works at 7:30, it's late - especially when there's laundry to finish and other home-y stuff to wrap up.) Oh, and the toddler also insists on waking up in the middle of the night to come sit/lay on/touch/whisper to Mommy.


So...some times it's cathartic to "complain" on Facebook about how hard it is being a parent on so little sleep. Friends chime in with their war stories and everyone feels a little better that they aren't going it alone in the world of toddler-hood and babyhood.

I was very lovingly reminded in the comments of today's Facebook complaint by a friend of my mom's, what is truly important. I hope she doesn't mind, but here is what she had to say: 

 

"but ask yourself......would I rather have life without them? and you will answer never never never and so you push on even in your tiredness....the Bible says, "This to shall pass," and so will this glorious childhood and all too soon they will be away from home and you will wish you heard from them more often......cherish even those tired moments you have with them as they are a gift you have been given that many women wish for but never receive.....May you all have peace and calm and a bit of rest in your day to fortify you for the nights ahead. Love to you all, mothers of babies and young ones everywhere!"

 

So, in my sleep deprived and emotional state, tears poured down my cheeks. I instantly did a mental rewind of those sleepy emotions and changed them.

Instead of annoyance, it became a blessing - how amazingly sweet it is that I have not one gift, but two gifts here with me to remind me of how precious life is, and how much I love love love those little lives. I don't ever want to forget the way a baby breathing those soft breaths sounds.

Frustration and bewilderment turned obviously into joy that I still get to have special bonding time with my baby, fully knowing that in a ridiculously short time she will be calling herself a big girl and won't want to cuddle with me. Although, I still loved to cuddle with my mom for years and years, so I have hope that it will last :) oh, and the fact that my toddler insists on getting out of bed to come visit me - I guess she just loves me to the moon and back, and wants to be near that love source all.the.time.

Running on fumes right now, for me, means that I have extra time to soak up my little girlies' lives, breaths, giggles, whispers, snuggles, girlie-ness. Maybe, just maybe, if I let them know now that I'm hear for them no matter what, then when they are tweens and teenagers, trying to navigate through this nutso world - they will still want to talk to me, lean on me, whisper to me their joys, fears, hopes, sorrows. I had that in my parents. I hope to be the same rock for my children.

 

I guess I can handle running on fumes for a little while longer.

 

 

 

 

Some things are easier said than done

There has been an increase in visible homelessness in Lincoln. I don't know why, but it's here. I work down town and I work at 7:30 am, so maybe that's why I see it. This morning as I was walking to my building, I noticed a boy? girl? man? woman? sleeping on a bench near the door I usually enter. My first reaction was to shift paths and go to a different door. As I entered the building I passed a maintenance man that I work with frequently and mentioned to him that there was a homeless person on the bench. He said he'd tell security.
By the time I reached my office, my heart was so heavy. Why did I change paths? Why did I "report" that person? Off all the people on earth, the homeless are one group of people that Jesus would have spared no thought about helping.

Since I get to work so early, I typically make oatmeal for breakfast once I'm in the office. As I was getting ready to make it, a very strong yet gentle voice popped in my head, "Give him your food". Immediately I rushed in making the oatmeal and prayed to God that he/she was still on that bench. As I walked outside with my piping hot oatmeal and a water bottle, my heart pounded. He/she was still there. What should I do? I'd never approached anyone sleeping on a bench before. I said, "Excuse me" a few times with no response. I *think* I heard a very faint mumble, but wasn't sure among all the morning traffic. I touched his/her back but got no reaction. I said that I had oatmeal and water and would leave it on the bench.
I don't know if the food was eaten at all.

My heart still feels sad, because my first reaction was to avoid and run away. I don't want to teach my daughters that. I want them to follow in the footsteps of Jesus, and take heed in the message our new Pope is proclaiming and demonstrating.
I just wanted to share - I by no means feel that I am amazing or wonderful for giving away my breakfast. I feel heavy-hearted, but very blessed that the message (I believe it was a message!) spoke to me so clearly and that I listened.

I found the one my heart loves

Have you ever read Song of Songs from the Bible? It's pretty steamy! I'm sure you're thinking "The Bible is "steamy"?!" You bet it is. Here are the first verses from the book:

 

1 Solomon’s Song of Songs.
She² Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—
    for your love is more delightful than wine.
³ Pleasing is the fragrance of your perfumes;
    your name is like perfume poured out.
    No wonder the young women love you!
⁴ Take me away with you—let us hurry!
    Let the king bring me into his chambers.

 

So the verses continue on, with two people and their friends interchanging dialogue about how wonderful their love is. Every one is gushing and waning poetically about the lovely loveliness. The loving abounds!


There is a section of verses where the young woman recalls how she searched and searched for the one her heart loves:

 

3 All night long on my bed
    I looked for the one my heart loves;
    I looked for him but did not find him.² I will get up now and go about the city,
    through its streets and squares;
I will search for the one my heart loves.
    So I looked for him but did not find him.
³ The watchmen found me
    as they made their rounds in the city.
    “Have you seen the one my heart loves?”
⁴ Scarcely had I passed them
    when I found the one my heart loves.
I held him and would not let him go
    till I had brought him to my mother’s house,
    to the room of the one who conceived me.
⁵ Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you
    by the gazelles and by the does of the field:
Do not arouse or awaken love
    until it so desires.



 

A favorite verse of mine from the whole book is this: My love is mine and I am his. He pastures his flock among the lilies. (2:16)



I of course love this book - it's far different from the other books found in the Bible, and it is multi-layered. On the surface, the words speak to me directly. I felt that I too had been searching and searching for the one I loved. I followed this path and that path, wandering through this world, never feeling that spark. I had nearly given up and was set on living the single life. As sad as I was about it, I couldn't see another way.

I always thought that the verses in Song of Solomon were over the top and extremely beautiful, but not really realistic. Then one day, I found the one my heart loves. I was twitterpated! Finally -  the one that was designed for me...the one I was designed for, entered into my life. He is my best friend, and the one person in this world that I can share my hopes, desires, dark fears, pains, anger, joy...he sees me for what I am. I have no need to hide. He sees my flaws, and sees my beauty. And he still loves me!! My heart finally learned to sing when I met him.

Today we celebrate our third year of marriage. I feel as if I've known my love my whole life, yet I find myself wanting to know him more. I am beyond pleased, and I truly look forward to the future with him. We have three children, two with us and one in Heaven. I couldn't imagine a better friend, spouse, lover, father of my children, to go through life together.

Although it falls short of what I'd really like to say, I want to thank you, Matt, for loving me and crossing my path. I have finally found the one my heart loves.