Runing on Fumes

It has been 1,089 days since I've slept through the night. That's 24,136 hours, folks. I love my sleep. L.O.V.E it. I used to thrive on nine hours of sleep each night. If I got even just seven hours of sleep, I was dragging by the end of the day. That was a necessity then, but it's a luxury now. Sleep, oh glorious sleep! It's hiding around the corner, but I just can seem to catch it.

After getting roughly 8 hours of sleep in the last 48 hours, I found myself in tears this morning. There are phases of sleep deprivation and the emotions that come out of it.

According to Yours Truly:
Step 1: Annoyance. A few minutes here and there of interrupted sleep are annoying for anyone. Little breaths from a sleeping baby nearby can sound deafening in the dead of night...unless you're my husband. He's deaf to everything at night.

Step 2: Frustration. So, the few minutes here and there have turned in to an hour or so in the middle of the night. From nursing the new baby, to putting a toddler back to bed, that 5 hours that have become normal dwindle to 3.5. 

Step 3: Bewilderment. After months now of little sleep, you'd think I'd be so exhausted that nothing would keep me awake. Nope. I still hear every intake of breath from the wee one, and now her older sister has begun to insist on staying up well past 9:00. (That might not seem late to some, but for someone that works at 7:30, it's late - especially when there's laundry to finish and other home-y stuff to wrap up.) Oh, and the toddler also insists on waking up in the middle of the night to come sit/lay on/touch/whisper to Mommy.


So...some times it's cathartic to "complain" on Facebook about how hard it is being a parent on so little sleep. Friends chime in with their war stories and everyone feels a little better that they aren't going it alone in the world of toddler-hood and babyhood.

I was very lovingly reminded in the comments of today's Facebook complaint by a friend of my mom's, what is truly important. I hope she doesn't mind, but here is what she had to say: 

 

"but ask yourself......would I rather have life without them? and you will answer never never never and so you push on even in your tiredness....the Bible says, "This to shall pass," and so will this glorious childhood and all too soon they will be away from home and you will wish you heard from them more often......cherish even those tired moments you have with them as they are a gift you have been given that many women wish for but never receive.....May you all have peace and calm and a bit of rest in your day to fortify you for the nights ahead. Love to you all, mothers of babies and young ones everywhere!"

 

So, in my sleep deprived and emotional state, tears poured down my cheeks. I instantly did a mental rewind of those sleepy emotions and changed them.

Instead of annoyance, it became a blessing - how amazingly sweet it is that I have not one gift, but two gifts here with me to remind me of how precious life is, and how much I love love love those little lives. I don't ever want to forget the way a baby breathing those soft breaths sounds.

Frustration and bewilderment turned obviously into joy that I still get to have special bonding time with my baby, fully knowing that in a ridiculously short time she will be calling herself a big girl and won't want to cuddle with me. Although, I still loved to cuddle with my mom for years and years, so I have hope that it will last :) oh, and the fact that my toddler insists on getting out of bed to come visit me - I guess she just loves me to the moon and back, and wants to be near that love source all.the.time.

Running on fumes right now, for me, means that I have extra time to soak up my little girlies' lives, breaths, giggles, whispers, snuggles, girlie-ness. Maybe, just maybe, if I let them know now that I'm hear for them no matter what, then when they are tweens and teenagers, trying to navigate through this nutso world - they will still want to talk to me, lean on me, whisper to me their joys, fears, hopes, sorrows. I had that in my parents. I hope to be the same rock for my children.

 

I guess I can handle running on fumes for a little while longer.